


i need help believing you're with me tonight

by borrowthemoonlight



Category: 9 to 5 the Musical - Parton/Resnick
Genre: F/F, but it has a happy ending, judy bernly deserves the world, tw implied past sexual trauma, violet newstead is softer than soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 21:49:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20181268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/borrowthemoonlight/pseuds/borrowthemoonlight
Summary: Judy is always okay.That is, until Violet’s fingertips reach a certain point, down just past her waist, and Judy wants it, tells Violet to keep going, until- well, until she tells her to stop.And Violet is okay with that. And Judy can’t not cry at how gentle she is. And then everything is fine. They try again next time. Because there is always hope for a next time.





	i need help believing you're with me tonight

**Author's Note:**

> i have never written a fic like this before. probably because i've never read a fic like this before and i could not get the idea out of my mind. anyway, this is a kinda sensitive and kinda deep topic and i'm really nervous to be posting it and maybe proceed with caution if you experience or have experienced vaginismus (maybe google it if you need to) (yeah it has a name!!) (it's so common i wish more people talked about it and i just feel like. judy can relate.) (ok i'm done enjoy.)

It is something that Judy worries about constantly.

Mainly on nights when she stays over at Violet’s.

When they turn out the lights, and they talk for a little while, and then they kiss goodnight. And then they fall asleep.

But sometimes Judy can’t sleep, at least not straight away. Not when Violet’s arms are wrapped around her and she’s so consumed by thoughts of how much she loves her, how safe she feels with her, how understanding Violet is, how caring, how loving, how patient. How much she just wants to touch her and be with her all the time.

How _much_ she _wants_ to touch her.

If only she wasn’t so terrified.

Not terrified of Violet, never terrified of Violet. Terrified of upsetting her or disappointing her perhaps.

And she knows Violet isn’t like that, she knows, Violet has told her herself, they can take everything at Judy’s own pace. Violet doesn’t need anything, expect anything, would never push for anything.

But still, Judy is terrified.

And it’s not that she doesn’t want it, she wants it, she _really_ wants it. But what if she’s no good? What if she can’t make Violet feel good? What if she just can’t do any of it? What if Violet does everything right and she still can’t do it?

She’s pretty sure she’s never had one before. An orgasm. And what if it’s because she can’t? Violet deserves better. And Violet will say differently. But Judy will always know it’s the truth.

It’s something they’ve talked about on many occasions. Something Violet assures her is not an issue. Even if Judy is _never_ ready. That is okay. They don’t need to do it. But Judy knows Violet, and Judy knows it’s something that Violet wants, to feel that closeness, to feel that kind of love, and it’s just so frustrating when that’s exactly what Judy wants as well.

There have been times, just a few, when they’ve talked about it, and the talking has turned into kissing and the kissing has led to touching, and the touching has led to the unbuttoning of shirts and entangling of legs. And Violet asks constantly, needs to make sure, that Judy is okay. And Judy _is_ always okay.

That is, until Violet’s fingertips reach a certain point, down just past her waist, and Judy wants it, tells Violet to keep going, until- well, until she tells her to stop.

And Violet is okay with that. And Judy can’t not cry at how gentle she is. And then everything is fine. They try again next time. Because there is always hope for a next time.

By now, Judy has learnt that her body goes into survival mode. She has no control over it. Her body is trying to protect her, and she is trying to accept that. That is the reason why she can’t let Violet near her in certain places. And Violet would _never_ hurt her on purpose, but still, Judy is frightened. Because that is just how she’s learned to be. Her past with sex is not a pleasant one. But she thought she was normal. That it wasn’t meant to feel good. It was just a part of marriage that a wife has to endure.

But all along she was just with the entirely wrong person.

And that is what her body is used to. Preparing for something _not_ good. Tensing and freezing and not being able to relax until she knows it’s all over.

She has since learnt it doesn’t have to be like that anymore. But her body isn’t so sure yet. She knows now that it _is_ meant to feel good. But how do you unlearn something when it’s all you’ve ever known? How do you stop the panicking? How to you get rid of that fear?

At first it was like a betrayal. Why is her own body turning against her? Why isn’t she in control? Why can’t she give this part of herself to Violet now that she truly wants to? She used to cry about it much more often. That was before she’d talked about it with Violet.

Violet doesn’t blame her. Violet understands. Violet makes sure that Judy knows and always remembers that she is simply just doing her best to keep herself safe. It’s an automatic response. She’s putting herself first for the first time in her life.

She is _trying_ to accept that.

_Thank you for keeping me safe_. She hardly, barely at all whispers to herself, as she sits cross legged on the bed, draped in one of Violet’s old, extra-large t-shirts.

Violet is sat next to her, her reading glasses perched on the bridge of her nose, as she reads the book she’s been lost in for almost an hour now.

Judy lays down on her side, propping herself up on her elbow, smiling.

“Why are you staring at me?” Violet asks, not looking up from her book.

“Because you’re nice to look at.” Judy says, without a second thought. Violet doesn’t say anything, but Judy can see the smile she’s clearly trying to conceal.

“So, what’s really going on?” Violet asks, realising Judy hasn’t moved in about a minute.

“Nothing.” She says, as Violet grows more suspicious. “You’re just beautiful. And kind.”

Violet lets out a laugh, always having a hard time accepting Judy’s abundance of compliments.

“And brilliant.” Judy continues, sitting up, grabbing the bookmark from Violet’s nightstand, before placing it between the open pages and setting her book aside.

“Okay.” Violet says, finally looking up at Judy, a smile on her face. “Thank you. But, honey, I was reading that.”

“I know.” Judy inches closer to her, taking her hands, before softly kissing her lips again and again.

Violet squeezes Judy’s hands, before leaning back slightly, Y’okay?”

Judy nods, “Yeah.” She tries to tell Violet everything with a look, but knows she’d better just come right out and say, “Do you want to… Try?” And suddenly her heart is beating three times faster.

“Are you sure?” Violet asks, bringing Judy’s hand up to her face, placing it on her own cheek.

“Mhm.” Judy is sure. “I mean, I don’t know if…” She trails off, Violet already knows, and is looking at her with a look of love and concern all in one. “But I want to try.”

Violet nods, kissing Judy’s palm, before kissing her lips again.

Judy thinks this is her favourite part by far anyway, kissing, feeling Violet’s tongue brush against her lips, feeling Violet’s hands in her hair. It’s like magic, truly.

Violet brushes kisses along her jaw and whispers, “Just tell me if you want to stop, okay?”

How could she want to stop? When Violet’s voice alone has managed to light a roaring fire in her tummy.

But Judy nods, “I will.” As she places her hand on the back of Violet’s neck, bringing their lips together once more.

Violet bunches up the hem of Judy’s t-shirt in her hands, tugs on it slightly, until Judy starts to raise her arms, and Violet lifts it up and over her head.

“I can’t believe you wear that old thing.” Violet says, immediately putting her hands on Judy’s waist, before brushing them up her sides and then bringing them around her back.

“It’s baggy and it’s comfy and it smells just like you and_ I _love it.” Judy tells her, lifting her chin.

“Well,_ I_ love you.”

Judy leans towards her, whispers, “_Ditto.” _Against Violet’s lips just before she kisses her.

And soon Judy is pushing her backwards, pinning her down against the bed, as she hovers over her, desperately trying to undo each of the buttons on Violet’s nightshirt between kisses.

Violet sits up a little, as Judy helps her to free her arms, and all Judy wants to do is keep kissing her and touching her and-

“Hey, hey.” Violet says softly, still semi-sat up, as she cups Judy’s cheek. “Maybe slow down a little, hm? There’s no rush.”

Judy nods, but now the panic sets in a little, as she realises that the reason she’s trying to go so fast in the first place is so that the panic doesn’t have time to set in at all. But Violet is right. And Judy smiles. A little lost on exactly what to do next, which is exactly what she was afraid of.

Violet’s hand lowers from Judy’s cheek, finds her hand instead, guiding it onto her breast. “Touch me here.”

And suddenly she feels safe again.

“Is that okay?”

Judy nods again, as she gently pushes her back down, leans back in, kisses slowly along her jaw, slowly down her neck, smiling when she hears the hitch in Violet’s breath. She places kisses along her collar bones, patters them all over her chest, down her sternum, until finally her mouth finds her other breast. She circles her tongue around Violet’s nipple, stopping to kiss the skin there. She’s aware that soon they’ll be at a point they never usually get past, tries not to panic about that just yet, as she takes her nipple into her mouth.

Violet sighs, placing her hand back on top of Judy’s. And Judy kisses her hand, and her fingers, before bringing her face back up to meet Violet’s. Violet brushes their noses together, connects their lips once more, as she begins guiding her to the other side of the bed, switching their positions so that Violet is the one hovering over Judy now.

“Still okay?”

Judy smiles. “Still okay.” Though her heart is beating much faster again.

_It’s not a betrayal, it’s a protection_. She repeats over and over in her mind. Tries to remember all her body is doing is it’s best to keep her safe. All she has to do is show it, show herself, that _Violet_ is safe.

_Violet won’t hurt her. _Is her exact thought when Violet decides to place tender kisses across the freckles on her shoulders, and across her chest.

_It’s so, so different with Violet. _She thinks, as Violet takes her nipple into her mouth, flicking her tongue over it in a way that makes Judy’s head uncontrollably turn.

_Violet is wonderful._ Is _all_ she can possibly think when she drags her tongue down Judy’s stomach and begins placing kisses on the soft skin there too.

“Judes?” Violet whispers, her breath tickling against Judy’s skin.

“Yeah?” Judy answers, her hands making their way into Violet’s.

“You don’t want to stop?”

“No.” Her voice is small, but she truly means it.

“Are you sure? You know I don’t mind.” Violet assures her, placing another kiss on her stomach.

“I’m sure.”

“Okay.” Violet kisses her again. “I’m gonna need you to tell me what you want, and everything that you’re feeling.” And again. “Because I don’t know what I’m gonna do if I hurt you.”

Judy can hear it in her voice how much Violet wants to get this right, how much she cares, like she could cry at any moment. And that makes Judy want to cry at any moment.

“You won’t.” It’s the first time she’s said that out loud. It’s the first time she’s realising that it’s _really_ true. There’s no way Violet could hurt her when she’s this gentle before she’s even begun.

“You’ll tell me straight away if I do? You’ll tell me to stop? And we can just take it slower, okay? We can try again whenever you’re ready, you know that, right?”

“Yes, Violet, I know that. And I know that you are not going to hurt me. You can’t.” She lets out a laugh, “You take far too much care.”

For the first time, Judy is not terrified of what might happen next. Even if what happens next does mean they stop. Judy is not afraid of that.

She shifts slightly, beginning to pull down her underwear, and once they’re past a certain point, Violet does the rest. She looks up at Judy, and Judy nods, and Violet kisses the inside of her thigh. She looks back at Judy, who simply nods once more, and so Violet kisses her a little further up.

And that’s when Judy begins to feel herself really tense up, she tries to control it, tries to stop it, all whilst not letting on to Violet that it’s even happening, though she can probably feel it for herself, with the way she’s holding her thighs.

“Judy?” Violet says, voice soft and filled with worry.

Judy begins to nod again. Affirming more for herself than anything, that this is what she wants. And Violet sees that she’s mouthing something to herself, just barely, she can’t possibly make out what she’s saying. Knows she probably isn’t meant to.

_Thank you for keeping me safe._

She holds onto Violet’s hand, but doesn’t yet look at her. She takes a deep breath and relaxes.

_Thank you. For keeping me safe. _

“I _am_ safe.” She whispers just the tiniest bit louder, then looks at Violet, a smile on her face and tears in her eyes,

“I’m alright.”

_That_ Violet hears.

“Please keep going, I’m alright.”

“Are you sure-“

“I’m sure. Please, please keep going.”

Violet continues, slowly, gently, making her way up the inside of Judy’s thigh. Until she comes to a stop, lifts her head, looking Judy in the eyes once more.

And it’s true Judy feels tense. But Judy also feels loved and cared for and _safe_. And once more, she smiles, and she nods. And Violet takes Judy into her mouth.

And suddenly, fireworks go off in Judy’s brain. And Judy doesn’t even like fireworks, but _this_. She likes this. A lot. She gasps, and makes a noise that Violet assumes is a good one. But _of course_, she stops to ask, “Are you oka-“

“Yes.” Judy immediately blurts, shaking her head. “Don’t stop, don’t stop.”

Violet smirks, her cheeks turning a little red at how seeing Judy like this makes her feel. She keeps going.

And Judy’s breath keeps hitching, and she can’t stop the noises that escape from her lips, or her hips from rising every time Violet flicks her tongue over a certain spot. She could stay like this forever. But she can feel herself building up and up and up.

And it’s the last thing she wants to do, interrupt Violet, not when she’s right at the edge, but there’s one more thing Judy needs. Because she’s done all she can to prepare herself and if not now, it could take weeks before she feels ready to ask for this again.

“Vi?” Judy breathes, though she can barely speak at all.

“Are you okay?” Violet asks, looking concerned.

“Yeah. Yes. Very- very good- and- okay. I-“ She pauses, not at all knowing how to ask, and at the same time losing patience from the loss of feeling so good. “I want you.” She gestures a little with her hands, but knows she has to say, “I_nside_\- me.”

Violet seems taken aback, never imagining they would make it so far today. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

She expects it to hurt. But she wants it so much. She wants to do this all the time. So she needs her body to understand. This isn’t something to tense up at whilst she politely waits for it all to be over. This is a good and wonderful thing. Something to share with this amazing woman who she loves so much. Something she wants _so_ much to _enjoy_.

So she _has_ to try. And if it turns out it’s too much for today, that’s okay.

Judy feels the tip of Violet’s finger at her entrance and begins to think perhaps it is too much for today. But she tries over and over to remind herself, it’s a _protection_, _not_ a betrayal.

“Are you sure?” Violet asks, possibly more nervous than Judy herself is.

It’s a _protection_, _not_ a betrayal.

“Just. Give me one second.” She says, taking another deep breath.

It’s a protection she no longer needs.

Another deep breath.

_Thank you for keeping me safe. I am alright now. _She nods.

“I’m alright now.” She relaxes. “I’m sure.”

“Alright.” Violet, holding her own breath, slowly pushes her finger inside Judy.

It’s uncomfortable.

But it’s bearable.

It’s bearable in a way that Judy _knows_ it’s going get better. Even if it doesn’t feel that good today. And that’s enough to make her want to _weep_. But she holds it in for now, for fear that Violet will never touch her again if she suddenly bursts into tears. She closes her eyes, lays her head back, focuses on how Violet moves within her, slow and gentle. She tries to relax.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes.”

A moment later Judy feels Violet’s tongue back where it was just moments earlier and without even realising it her hands are tangling in her hair, as she tries her hardest not to moan quite so loudly.

It’s like she’s no longer in control, in the _best_ way, she thinks, as she throws her arms out and her fingers suddenly cling to the bedsheets because that’s all she can think to do.

It’s like this new part of her has suddenly opened up that she doesn’t have to hide anymore. Doesn’t _want_ to hide, _ever_ again.

She’s gasping Violet’s name in a way that Violet _knows_ means she definitely should _not_ stop.

She starts to tense up again, but this time it’s different. It’s _so much_ different.

Her thighs begin to shake, she tries to speak, but all of a sudden is incapable of making a single sound, and her whole body begins to spiral, like she’s falling or- _floating_.

She has to remind herself to breath again.

Violet slows right down. Her hands find Judy’s. And Judy just lays there for a moment, feeling Violets thumbs rubbing her skin.

A few moments go by before Violet joins her, laying down next to her on her side.

“Honey, are you okay?” Violet whispers.

_Yes_. Judy can’t find the right words to actually say just how okay she is. Her lip begins to quiver.

“That was…” She shakes her head, and finally, she sobs.

“But, good?” Violet asks, just to be sure.

“So good.” Judy bites her lip. “So good.” Then begins to laugh at how drained and full of emotions she is.

Violet lets out a huge sigh. “Oh, thank _God_.”

Judy laughs again.

“Violet, it was _so_ good.” Sobs again. Smiles. “Can you believe it?”

“You’re amazing.” Violet tells her.

“_Me_? I didn’t even do anything!” Judy laughs through her tears. And they both know it’s not true. Judy did _a lot_ to get here. “And let me tell you Violet Newstead, I picked up a few things just now, and I cannot wait to make you feel what I just felt. I- I- have no words, Violet, I really have _no_ words.”

“Hey, we’re not thinking about me right now.” Violet whispers, and Judy realises that it’s because she’s crying now too. “One hurdle at a time.”

Judy smiles, wiping Violet’s cheek with her thumb. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Judy’s eyes begin to droop.

And Violet just watches her. A wave of pure happiness washing over herself. She brings Judy’s hand to her mouth, kissing her palm, as they both grow more and more sleepy.

Violet didn’t realise before just how emotional this would make her. After all Judy’s been through, after all they’ve talked about, after all of Violet’s reassuring, and promising, and reassuring again. She’s not sure she could be more proud or happy.

“Thank you.” Judy whispers, eyes closed, as she begins to drift off to sleep.

“For what?” Violet asks.

Judy sighs contently. “For keeping me safe.”

**Author's Note:**

> omg this isn't even that long but it was a journey to write please be kind


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